Alone… that is a word that perfectly describes me in every aspect of my life. I wake up alone and I go to bed alone. I have no friends that can truly feel what I feel so I stray away from people.
Family members have learned that I am not a talker and touching is a one way ticket to bloody pain. Maybe that is why I am here, wondering what is wrong with me, alone. There are no sounds except me typing and a fan working to keep me cool.
Let me tell you all, my tale… on what is wrong with me. From the minute I was born everyone knew I was… different for loss of a better word. I did not cry, whine, beg, or anything that a normal child does.
I did cry, don't get me wrong, but I was a silent child. I would sit and watch; my parents thought nothing of it and still don't. Watching, I am guessing, led me to learn what I wanted to and ignore what I didn't want to learn.
Soon when my mother went back to work I was sent to a daycare. That would have been fine if I wasn't the only kid that found his own company better than all the others around me.
After two weeks at the daycare I was shunned from all the others. This continued to happen till I started to go to school… from there I met a friend. Mom was thrilled I had company; Tom came over to my house a lot after a few weeks at school.
Like me he was not that talkative but I was still not like him in the sense that I gave off a vibe that can only be described as "inhuman". I cannot find a better way to describe what exactly I mean unless I tell you about an incident that happened to Tom and me in second grade.
Like every other weekend we were spending the night at my house. I was lying on the bed on the right side of the room. I just cleaned the room so the polished redwood floor reflected moonlight, from the full moon, all about the room.
In a tired and scared voice Tom asked "Cullen can you close the blinds so I can sleep."
Carefully I stood and noticed that Tom was staring at me with fearful eyes. "You are afraid of the dark and yet thee still wish for me to close the light from outside?" I said amused but stopped and thought about what I just said.
Why did I just say 'thee' what did that even mean. Quickly for the sake of my friend I shrugged it off and moved towards the blinds. I slid them closed and strolled back to my bed; the moonlight still shone through the thin blinds but it blocked enough out.
In the eerie darkness I noticed that I was walking on my toes, at this time I did not know that the proper term for the way I was walking was called digigrade. I hopped into bed and slid down into the blankets. Something was wrong and I could feel it; I thought about all the different possibilities and before I knew it I passed out.
Suddenly in my head a female voice spoke "Honey… its time for you to embrace who you truly are."
With my heart almost beating out of my chest and sweat pouring down from my head; I threw myself up into a sitting position. Quickly I scanned the room and saw no one except Tom, who was sleeping, was in the room with me. The next day I asked my mother if she went into my room the night before and she replied "No I didn't… now would you get the dishes done."
Nothing else happened for a long time until my parents got a divorce. By this time we had moved several times and we were residing in a small town that I am at now. My father moved away and I live with my mom mostly; every other week I get to visit him and in the summers I get to spend every other week with him.
After the divorce I was heart broken and my relationship with my mother got better but not good enough for us to actually live in harmony. I went into a deep depression; that was when things went from bad to worse.
Mom started two jobs, meaning I only see her for about an hour everyday. I followed her example and started a job with a family friend down at a scrap yard. I enjoy my job very much matter-of-fact I am taking classes for welding, torching, and other skills that I will use at work.
Working took over my after school life and I became the unspeaking loner again. Mom and I hardly speak and keep our distance from each other; so I never told her that I was having increasingly disturbing dreams.
The only thing that kept me on track in life was that voice I heard so long ago. I did not even know who it was speaking to me but she was loving and caring. That made me feel like I wasn't just a waste of space; waking up always made me sad and I went through the day so I could go back to hearing her.
Obviously this seemed like I was losing it and trust me I thought that was going on. I still do at times think I am a crazy loser that fights for everyday he gets but that all changed when I found a website. I think you all know this website I am speaking about; after all without it you would not be reading anything that I have posted.
Yes I found Deviantart and through that I found many friends that love to talk and sympathize with me. I kept the voice a secret from them so I could be looked at like a normal kid like everyone else.
I started posting the writing I love to do and that in itself was rewarding. I wrote about dragons, why though, why was it dragons? A few weeks after I first began to spend time at Deviantart; I had the life changing dream. That night I went to bed in my small room; expecting that I was going to be greeted by the loving voice.
Eagerly I welcomed sleep as it fell over me; I noticed right away that the voice wasn't speaking. I called out and got no reply; again I felt truly alone. Suddenly I was forced onto all fours and a cave formed around me.
A light illuminated around me; since this was a dream I could not physically feel what was happening. Although somehow I knew what was happening to me; looking down confirmed what I feared. Maroon red scales covered my body, a muzzle had formed as part of my face, and I moved what I knew was a pair of wings and a tail.
I turned around and fell over not used to my new body. I looked up from the ground and saw a black dragoness standing over me. She had finned ears, gold eyes, a white tribal band on her right foreleg, and spines that ran down her neck to the tip of her tail.
I was not much smaller than her but still it was obvious that she was older than my by quite a few years. Smiling she revealed sharp fangs and I cowered on the ground; she chuckled saying "Little one do not fear me… I have waited a long time to see you."
I recognized that voice… it was HER the one that comforted me and made my life livable. Suddenly she curled around me in a loving way; I froze in fear that she might have intention to hurt me.
She nuzzled me gently and I looked up at her and I asked "Who are you?"
"Well… many call me Sinsta but you may call me mom," She said smiling with pride.
Tears formed in my eyes and I snuggled closer to her and enjoyed my time with a loving mother that I had wished for forever. The next morning I woke crying; surprised at the sudden break of emotions. I went through the day like I normally did; I got home after school and work I logged onto Deviantart.
From there I went straight to the chatroom that housed my favorite writer and great friend. Unfortunately he was not there that day but another friend was; we chatted for a long time and I told him about what I was going through.
It went from there and soon all of my close friends on Deviantart knew my secret. I was bent on figuring out what was wrong with me; I would go to bed and return to Sinsta. I felt loved for the first time in a long time; eventually I undergone changes outside the dreams.
Such as I started walking digigrade more frequently, my writing went up, and I started thinking unlike the others around me. My friends outside of Deviantart came to me for comfort since I said soothing things and I could see the good in everything.
My language arts skills went up and sixteenth century writing became easier to understand. Dragons where always on my mind after I found Sinsta; I finally thought that I had went off the edge and it all came to a dramatic climax late one night.
I became reduced to tears acknowledging that it was time for me to visit a doctor. Ready to through away everything I had fought for I was going to log off the chat and set an appointment with a psychiatrist in my town. I stopped though when I suddenly thought "Why am I crazy… what caused this?"
That was when again my life took a twist again; I started to talk with a different kind of person on Deviantart. He is like a brother to me and he helped me see that what was happening was deeper than just a mental illness. I still don't know what is wrong with me but I might learn someday… till then I will stay here with my friends.